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Within the margin of error无怨的青春 |
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August 15 NEWS!Due to the long-lasting frustration I've had with Live Spaces and MSN
in general (no wonder they're trying to change their name -- cuz it
sucks!!!), I have finally manifested my intention of moving. And what better place I could find but my long-time fav Google. I appreciate the support my space has gathered over the years. Do move with me to my new and far superior home: http://withinmargineoferror.blogspot.com/ dear diaryMy Vegas summer is finally coming to an end. my last day at work was last Friday. on the same evening Meng and I had dinner with some of the partners. I spent Monday and Tuesday interviewing with 4 other firms. Compared to my interviews earlier this year for this summer's job, I definitely felt a confidence boost and improvement in my speech and attitude. I don't know if it comes from working at the firm or just from growing as a person. Whatever it is, being a lawyer seems to do me a lot of good. I can definitely see myself spending a lifetime here in this glamorous city deep in the desert, with it's neon lights and it's larger-than-life personalities. The legal market here is absolutely wonderful, and still growing. The housing market is crashing, like the rest of the country, but Vegas has no worries, and neither should I. And I have no complaints about the tax, compared to Michigan. Funny, though, how I started thinking about these factors that determine where I want to spend my life. Housing and tax, never in a million years would I have thought of that barely 3 months ago. And here I am, aging away... Meng left today to go to Berkeley. It's a great opportunity, it's a great law school and I hope he's happy there and will make lots of friends. There's hard times ahead, I think this summer has just been the tip of the iceberg. But I also see new-found confidence and a bond between us that's stronger than ever. I know that this is the person who I want to spend the rest of my life with, I know that he will protect me and cherish me, and guide me when I lose myself. And I know that he feels the same way, and that's all that matters. Now all that's left for me is to go home. I cannot wait to go home. ******************************** 最近确实没有写中文了。不怪我，办公室的电脑没有中文输入，男朋友的电脑没有中文输入，而我自己的电脑又收不到wireless。整个夏天一直在用M的电脑玩dota，也算是小小地上瘾了~呵呵！ 明天一大早的飞机，要加紧收拾行李的了。东西可真不少，本来来这里的时候行李已经超重了，经过3个月的疯狂购物，真不知道明天要罚款多少才能把行李搬上飞机。。。不过也算是值得了，来过Vegas的人都知道，这里的每家赌场里都藏着许多高档商店，除纽约之外还真没有在别处见过这么多名牌boutique，可真是乐死我了！ 好啦，时间赶紧过去吧，我一个人在这儿呆着多没意思。真想家了，我已经吃了整整3个月的方便面了。。。 August 09 dear diarytoday i saw a lesbian couple in the walmart parking lot. 3 things to be said about this:
1) yes, i shop at walmart. apparently they sell groceries.
2) for my chinese friends reading this, here's some background info: gay/lesbian discrimination is one of the last few discrimination we're struggling with here in the US (or at least, that's what they would like us to think - i personally believe that there's plenty of discrimination out there). one of the cutting-edge issue arising from this dispute is gay marriage and the mass of people against it. it's the epitomy of American stupidity if you ask me, but who am i to judge. but then again, why can't i judge? i'll stop judging when i become one of them. i guess then i'd be more reluctant to call myself stupid.
3) so this couple tauntingly looks at anyone who makes eye contact, in a proudly hostile way. now, i am a gay-people-lover, anyone who knows me knows that half my friends are gay or lesbian, and i believe in their entitlement to all rights that everyone else enjoys and i see no different in them as a person and as my friend. that said, i suddenly realized why some people don't like them. sometimes, it's not that people see them as different because of their sexual preference, but because they - the targeted ground - set themselves apart. the perfect example - who in the world walks down a walmart parking lot throwing taunting looks at others, daring them to stare or judge? this couple reminded me of teenagers that wear unusual clothes, parade themselves up and down the street, then claim that they should not be judged by what they wear. you friggin wore those clothes to draw attention, you hypocrite! and how many times do we see a bitchy gay person at the bar or some store yelling at everyone, then claiming he's being kicked out cuz he's gay?
anyways, here's the point i wanted to make. if gay/lesbians want to be treated like normal people, they have to treat themselves like normal people, first and foremost. this point extends to all groups being discriminated upon. black people, if you don't want all the crimes in the world to be planted on your butt, tell your brothers to stop committing crimes! disabled people, if you don't want people to be sensitive to your disability, stop being so sensitive on every unintentionally sensitive word that others use they talk to you!
disclaimer: i know i'm touching on some really icky issues here, and i know that i am heavily bordering on stereotypes and discriminatory statements myself. i am not trying to target a whole crowd, but i'd merely like to reflect on the single instances that i see in my everyday. i'd like to make it very clear that my firm belief is that all people are equal in every way, and no person should be judged by their racial or any other background. that said, stop staring at me like that when you walk down walmart because i WILL punch you in your sorry face. August 08 dear diarytonight Meng and i had our first real "relationship talk" where we discuss what we see in this relationship and in our future. while i'm glad that he's finally opening up and that we're pretty much proceeding with the understanding that someday we'll have a family together, i can't help but wonder how suitable this future really is for me. i love him dearly, and that love has kept me around despite so many miserable days. in the end, i'm finally seeing something rewarding and it just makes me more determined to hang in there. at the same time i have utterly lost myself. my values, my beliefs, my firm ideal of a life filled with freedom and individuality. i've consented to a family, to kids, to taking my career into backseat, someday maybe even giving it up. in exchange i'm promised a strong family, lots of love and devotion from a person i love. i suppose this is what all women had wanted years and years ago. maybe something that many women still want today. but others have moved on, have become strong and independent and successful. i envy them, i want to be them. i've never minded hard work or loneliness. whatever it took to become successful. but as i slowly fell in love, more and more, i found myself utterly lost. i made up artifcial limits, i've compromised, i've talked myself into mediocrity. and so much more of the like is still ahead. and while i'm rocking back and forth, not knowing what to do, in my deepest heart of hearts i think i already know. i will never be able to let go of this relationship that i've tried so hard to build up. but i cannot help but wonder, will i really be able to become what's expected? a good wife, a good mother, a good keeper of a good home and family?? August 04 dear diaryyesterday all the summer associate went to Tao to celebrate some of them's last day at work. The decorations of that place was insane!!! drank hard, partied hard, had to drive myself home cuz Meng didn't answer his phone. boo. but, all is well today. no hangovers! yay! August 03 p.s.today i made the grand discovery that i enjoy editing more than writing. but my (potential) employers need not know that ... it does make me think that i would prolly be even happier studying journalism and becoming an editor for a magazine (not newspapers, cuz i hate newspapers - they dirty my fingers all the time). just a thought, but it kinda sucks to have second thoughts about my career choices, especially when up to this pt i've been so convinced that being a lawyer rocks. dear diaryyesterday i had lunch w/ a hiring partner from cooper levenson and her husband. even though one works at a lawfirm while the other owns his own real estate company, they managed to form a partnership, had their office on the same floor in the same building, share clientèle, and cooperate on many projects. it made me see what i had always suspected, that the best marriages are the ones in which you become real partners, in life as well as career. it really struck me, the way he looked at her when he said, "and i followed her to Vegas." Or when she told me about how when she was promoted from a previous job and moved to a bigger office, she had to use the same furniture. she went home disappointed, only to get to the office the next morning to find brand new, gorgeous furniture and a note from him that says, "i thought you deserve better." i believe there are several reasons why a career-based partnership makes a marriage so great: 1) both being professionals, you have many things in common and many things to talk about. even when you're not in the same field, arguably, you're probably both interested in the latest news in WSJ or NYT. 2) you appreciate your partner's success, you understand when you're partner's busy, and you know how to help when your partner is in trouble 3) you are equals in many ways. no one will be pressured to do all the household chores (assuming you're not married to a jerk) or bring in all the bread. thus, no one will feel dependent or being depended upon. 4) you're financially more stable and you'll have doubled amount of networking (hopefully). moreover, having a sophisticated makes attending formal dinners with your spouse easier. this is a very practical point, but nonetheless valid. 5) since both are busy, you will appreciate the time you spend together so much more 6) the relationship between two intellectual, well-educated people is arguably more sophisticated. to say the least, there's a bigger chance divorce won't end up in violence. August 01 dear diaryI can hardly believe that it's already August. Time really does fly, especially in the summer. My summer associate job has almost come to an end. Throughout this experience I have remained faithfully appreciative of this opportunity, and have watched myself grow both as a person and as a professional. They say that somewhere down the road, you experience some drastic change that makes you realize that you've grown up. For me it's never been like that. Every day teaches me something about myself, and every day I grow a little. The biggest achievement in my life so far is this summer. I've experienced real life in a real way, I'm paying my own bills with my own money, I get up at 6 in the morning and get home at 6 at night, I experience bad traffic to and back from work everyday. Everything is new and exciting, despite little hassles now and then. The independence that comes out of having a job is the most valuable thing for me. Nothing I've experienced in life so far has come close to this feeling of security and freedom. The second milestone this summer is the change in relationship between Meng and I. Since I've had this job, our relationship has taken a backseat. Meng is more trying to work around my schedule than I'm trying to work around his. And I'm no longer putting so much emphasis on that aspect of my life. As such, I've felt that I had take on a more dominant role because to me, a relationship is no longer a must-have but more of a recreational activity after work. Despite this change in attitude, for some reason, this summer made our relationship into something more stable and permanent. Or maybe that has just been my own perception because I am amongst married coworkers now who all bring their spouses to dinners and parties and expect me to do the same. It could also be the repeated reassurances that Meng gave me in fear of losing me. Whatever it is, I definitely feel more secure now in this relationship than I've ever felt. This feeling is much-needed in light of the difficult time ahead, but I'm not too worried now that I'm still soaking in this new-found independence. One thing I miss most is mom's food. I can't wait to be home again and be pampered and fussed over by my mom. There's nothing like home, that much I've also realized. July 16 cali sunMeng and i took an 8-hr drive to berkeley this wkend. the drive itself was probably more fun than the stay. being in the car and driving towards the sun is just feels so cool. i myself am not a big road trip person b/c of all the retarded drivers out there (i could dedicate an entire entry to that), but i can see now why ppl r into it. there's something about taking a lonely drive through the desert, into the sun, passing miles and miles of sand, then wide open corn fields, railroads, through the mountains and up the hills, and then finally down into the bay area. it's a bit dangerous because you never know how much longer you have to drive to hit the next spot of civilization. it's romantic because you feel like there is just you and him in this whole wide world. it is exciting because you don't know what you will discover around the next corner or over the next hill. it's a journey, an adventure, a conquest.
berkeley is a beautiful city. half the houses are built into the mountain. it reminded me of switzerland. and with the ocean right outside the window, there just doesn't seem to be a better place in the world. i understand why Meng would choose berkeley over michigan. i took so many pictures that my camera went outa batteries. photos will be uploaded soon.
the climate there is unimpressive, however. during the day when the sun hits, the streets are burning, no, boiling. unlike vegas heat, which is dry, california heat is muggy and wet and makes you feel nasty and sticky. then, when the sun goes down, you find yourself in the midst of a winter night. the law school is equally unimpressive. after getting used to the sheer beauty of michigan law school, boat hall's puny grey building that looks more like an undergrad dorm than a law school just feels inferior. i sarcastically told Meng that i really hope he can get a good education here, but boalt hall is ranked equal to michigan, so we're not worried about that.
on our way back we stopped on top of some mountain, in a small town, to have dinner. the real property price there is so low. i jokingly said i wanted to build a vacation home out here when i start making money. Meng and i both dreamed about riding a horse up the mountains. personally, i'm more of a beach person than a mountain person. if i have to go wireless for days i'd rather be in the water than in the woods. but i appreciated the quietness and the silently beautiful views. it makes u feel that u're on top of the world, unapproachable and invincible.
then we drove and drove, and by the time we got back it was dark. i spotted vegas miles and miles away, with its glamorous ccasinos and hotels, and its dazzling, no, blinding lights extending further than your vision. i suddenly felt at home here, in this city full of sins.
and later that night, as i lay in my bed i made up my firm mind that this is where my future lies. the extravagance of this city, with its mysterious and rotten shadows lurking in every corner, with its starts that shine brighter than any stars in the sky, with its residence who live the dream and live larger than life, this is going to be my home. and some day, i too, will live my dream and live larger than life. and i will own a cottage up in the mountains where i go on weekends to ride my horse. and i will own a cottage down by california beach, where i go on other weekends to surf and just to sit by the window and watch the sunset. that has always been my dream, and it is closer to me than it has ever been before. if i can only extend my arm, if i can only extend my arm. . . July 13 on the road to feminismhere are 2 articles i enjoyed reading: http://ms-jd.org/reflections-glass-ceilings http://ms-jd.org/my-stay-home-father dear diarywe just lost a 20 million trial. what struck me, though, was that the husband of the defendant sat behind the defendant for the entire over-a-week long trial. i don't think it takes a lot to care about people, but what differentiates real caring from what i call casual caring is the consistency and the investment of time and energy. that is also, i think, the best thing about being married - you have, or at least you're supposed to have, someone who genuinely cares about you and is always there for you. time and time again i see these people that are fortunate enough to be and remain happily married, yet there is always a question mark in the back of my head. we all refer to divorce rates when we talk about marriage, and it's getting old, but it makes sense. if marriage is such a good thing, why do so many people want to get out of it? furthermore, being a lawyer is not gonna make marriage any easier. most partners or lawyers i know are on their second and third wives. it has something to do with the competitiveness and the aggression that comes with this profession. it's hard to not take that home. when i said yesterday that the best thing about work is the separation of private life and work, i was partially wrong. there are things you can't separation, or at least, you have to make a conscious effort to separate them. that's just part of the price u pay. today i'm driving to cali w/ Meng to take a look at berkeley. it should be fun. i hope to take lots of pictures. i realized that i've been in vegas for almost 2 months now and have not had the chance to really catch the scenery on picture. i'll make it up. starting w/ cali. my 2 centsthe downside to legal representation: while everyone is entitled to legal representation, not everyone is entitled to the same quality of legal representation. rarely does a person represent himself. the whole rationale for having legal representation is that counsels have legal expertise, and they can represent you in court better than you can yourself. most counsels do try, especially when a client signing big checks is involved. but think about it, the majority of us citizens are lower to middle-class people w/ modest income who nonetheless run into trouble and require an attorney every once in a while. not to be stigmatizing, but i think it's a good guess to say that crimes are associated with low income and education. in cases where a criminal is in need of representation but cannot afford to hire an attorney, the court will appoint one. where a plaintiff seeks legal representation, he can go out and try to find lawyers doing pro bono work or legal aid or whatnot. suffice to say, his options are few, him being both a defendant and a plaintiff in need of representation. out of those few options, who is to guarantee the quality of representation that you will get? lawyers have an ethical obligation to zealously represent their clients. but when you forgo your 500 or 1000 dollar per hour to represent some unsophisticated client in some petty little trial, it just doesn't seem worth it. on the pov of the client, however, what he's getting is an unwilling representation who really doesn't care for him. what's the justice in that? this brings me to my 2nd. pt. all attorneys are ambulance chasers ppl don't like lawyers. they hate us for representing ppl that are, to them, obviously guilty. what they don't understand is everyone gets their day in court, and everyone has the right to representation, that's just how this legal system works. and someone has to represent them. as lawyers, we're simply trying to do our job. on the downside, or the upside to me, we get paid pretty well to do our job, and yes, we don't always get innocent clients, and we don't mind. to me, that's part of the beauty of the job. it sets me apart from others, and i really don't mind care what they think about me. that said, most lawyers are nice ppl that deserve respect. i hate law school but i <3 working as a lawyer best part 'bout work is the separation b/w making money and your private life. occasionally i take work home, but it's not like school work, where there's always more to do and u never sit at home peacefully thinking, i can do anything i wan't w/o feelin' guilty. yeah, being in school sucks, but being a lawyer makes everything worth it. dear diarytransformer was awesome! that was a great break. June 30 无题cheesecake factory 的蛋糕真好吃！！！ 男友最近有些发福，倒显得我苗条了，自我感觉不错~ 昨天去狠狠shopping一下，慰劳慰劳自己。 没什么别的感想。努力找下一个工作，希望明年还能回到这里。 June 25 无题每天上班下班，经历堵车，参加晚会、lunch meetings，一切都还是那么新鲜。人生里第一觉得特别安全，自己赚钱自己花，不用求助于别人。我希望这只是一个开始，以后的人生永远都可以这样。 June 22 HOLY SH*T!!!!暑假实习的这家律师事务所忽然宣布与另外一家横跨西海岸几个州的事务所合并了，一下成为了las vegas最大的律师事务所之一。工资突然也暴涨到完全另外一个级别。原本这里的hiring partner也将继续当他的hiring partner, which means that summer associates can receive permanent offers. moreover, the firm we're merging w/ has the same culture as ours, which is awesome. 下个月还有机会去san diego和phoenix玩，去参观一下他们的office。当然还有reno. JACKPOT!!! June 16 dear diaryso i haven't been updating a lot. work's been hectic. i've been handling some really interesting cases, and i'm starting to think that litigation isn't really that bad. it's definitely more interesting, albeit more challenging. vegas is such a weird place. there is no middle class. all i see on the street is people driving expensive cars and beggars. maybe some tourists in between, but that's it. and can i just say, WTF is wrong w/ this weather?! WTF! that's all. June 10 无题在对实习突发的兴趣下，爱情忽然显得好渺小。男朋友的幼稚让人烦闷，可即使这样，我还是觉得这趟西行非常值得。 自从上law school之后，一直在问自己是否做了正确的选择。我也算是视财如命了吧？当律师赚钱，所以我上law school。可是我真的会喜欢我未来的工作吗？我真的受得了一辈子当律师？短短一周的实习给我吃了一个大大的定心丸。在law firm工作的确很累，我的确在办公室一坐就是十几个小时，可是每天回到家里倒在床上动弹不得的时候，心里都是那样充实。这种感觉我从来没有过。这一切都 是因为我一如既往的幸运，还是冥冥中有什么牵动着我，一路向这个方向靠近？ 也许我来到这里，本来只是为了陪他一个暑假，可是我得到的比他给我的多得多。我的世界里不再有他，还有工作，我还找回了自己。 June 06 dear diarytoday i drafted my first real brief. yay for real work! i am in LOVE w/ the appellate department. and omg potato valley has AWESOME food! June 05 dear diaryworking for 10hrs/day sucks. i have never been so tired before in my life. those morning hrs r killing me. and i am definitely overdosing on coffee. not that that should be a problem cuz the firm provides plenty of coffee, and other drinks and food. to keep u from leaving the office i guess. so that u can just sit at your huge desk buried in huge piles of files and slaaaave away. nah, j/k. firm's been so nice. yesterday we went out to a welcoming lunch, and even tho the restaurant was only a block away, they brought out 2 of the vans that the firm owns. . . the laziness of these ppl, omg! and the sweetest thing is, the firm's literally a block away from and in between the courthouse and the bankruptcy ct. today we had our westlaw training. when the rep said that the hrly rate is $14 per minute and whatnot, Joe across the table just turns red. lol! the rep spend the rest of the time trying to comfort him. that was so amusing. all in all, i love my work as much as i can love any work. . . today on my way home it got really windy, and dust and sand were flying everywhere. 真让我想起了北京的沙尘暴. Meng is SUCH a LIAR! when i asked him about sandstorms he said no, there isn't any in vegas. pah! June 03 dear diarylast night we went to see the blue man group at the venecian, then got stuck in traffic on the strip for like 30 minutes, which was good cuz i got to see the strip from a close distance, and it was truly amazing. vegas is just like a disneyworld for adults. the blue man group is AWESOME! if u ever get a chance to see it, please do, it's worth every penny u spend on it. then we drove back to henderson and took a walk inside green valley ranch, which is one of the better local casinos. today we drove to the place i'm gonna work at, which is the old and ghetto part of town. after lunch we saw this guy being surrounded by 3 police cars and being cuffed and taken away. then we watched a movie at sunset ranch, which is another casino in vegas. now my vacation is almost over, and i'm getting ready for work on monday. ppl keep asking me if i am excited. oh p-lease, when was i ever excited about any kind of work. btw, might i mention that clinique's moisturizers and make up line are both TO DIE FOR! they are such a must have in this unbearable heat - they work to beautify, protect and are at the same time so natural and light that you don't feel them at all. OMG! i loooooove! |
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